The Birthday Massacre
by Illisandria Carthain
Summary: It's a self-planned celebration...Oneshot


Johnny C. hummed to himself softly, "Happy Birthday to me…happy birthday to me…happy birthday dear Nny ~ Happy birthday to me!" He sat up and a devious smile spread across his bony face. It was the eve of his birthday and he wanted this year's celebration to be spectacular. Even though he wasn't really sure who he was or how old he was or when he was born he still celebrated his birthday (though it was whenever the fancy struck him). The time was 11:50 so Nny just sat back and watched the clock expectantly. "C'mon….move…" he willed the clock to go faster, wishing he still had the head-exploding powers, "Moooove…"

'Sitting there watching the clock will get you nowhere, certainly no closer to your own demise...' D-boy remarked from across the room, 'Why do you even celebrate this holiday anyways? You don't know your own date-of-birth!'

Nny frowned, "Because…" The clock now read 11:51. Nny knew it was because of his brain powers.

'Way to be a buzz-kill D-boy…let the boy have his fun' Mr. Eff snapped at his companion, his hypnotizing eyes glinting, 'So what do we have planned for this year's little fiesta Nny?'

The clock read 11:52, mocking Nny with its small red light-up numbers, 'You're useless…you can't even make time go by faster…' it said.

"Well, I've gathered all my guests in the room two levels down and three rooms across from here, temporarily stopping all the fun they were having…"

'Ooh, a rare reprieve, continue.'

11:53 the clock screamed as demons ripped out its inner workings.

"And I thought I'd bring them cake…"

'Cake?' Mr. Eff was confused, 'Did you TELL them you'd give them cake or actually GIVE them cake?'

"Gave them cake." Nny stated, never looking away from the clock which had advanced a minute, its small numbers beginning to breathe flame at him. "The cake was yummy-looking too - I almost ate some until I remembered it was laced with cyanide…"

'Ooh, poison! You'll get some screams from that one m'boy!' his joyous voice rang from his Styrofoam prison.

"That's not all, the cake is poisoned, m'kay, and so I told them—I told them, 'Tomorrow is my birthday…'" he sniggered, not only because most of them had long lost their sense of time, but because the clock, now reading 11:55, was beginning to strip in a cabaret fashion and was singing an old Broadway show tune flirtatiously. "'And this is my cake, don't touch it until I leave the room' And then I motioned to the stack of presents on the chair and said, 'And in that chair are goodies for each and every one of you who has managed to be my friend for so long!'" Nny stopped, a frown creasing his face, "of course SOME of my friends decided that they would say some nasty and untrue things about me so they had to be removed from the party and taken to the art room…" Mr. Eff giggled insanely.

11:56, the clock had sprouted wings and was flying around his head singing that ANNOYING Meow Mix song.

"Then I left them to their own devices saying that I had a great big gift for me upstairs in the main room and here I am…" he pulled his lanky knees closer to his chest and sighed as he watched the seconds tick by.

'That's it?'

"That's it…" he stared so hard at the clock that he thought that his eyes were bugging out of his head.

'You disappoint me…' Mr. Eff sounded hurt.

D-Boy interrupted, 'Hey, why don't you greet your birthday with a bang?' his painted eyes seemed to level to fix on the gun on his wall.

"I intend to…" he remarked gruffly, focusing on the fact that some little green men (not aliens - three-inch grass-green male midgets) were hammering away at his clock's face, obscuring the time from his view.

'So you're killing yourself?' D-Boy was pleased.

"No."

'Wait…what?!'

"Confused?" Nny smiled, Happy Noodle Boy preaching his views from atop the 8 in the time.

'DAMN STRAIGHT!!!'

'And where's the fun in this plan?! You're just poisoning them and then siphoning off their blood for the Wall, where's all the elaborate torturing?!!!' Mr. Eff followed D-Boy's angry statement.

"It's in the pile of presents…what's a good party without gifts?" The clock's hands, reading 11:59, flipped him the Bird and his grip tightened on the knife at his waist.

'The presents?...'

'Wait…fun?...'

While both Doughboys pondered over this cryptic piece of information, Johnny tracked the movement of the second hand, watching its circular movement intently. "Five…four…three…two…one…"

From beneath the room Johnny was in (and a little to the right) you could hear the agonized screams of hundreds of humans, some of those so starved that they had consumed more than one pieces of the laced cake, the rest of those that had opened their gifts and gotten attacked by the rabid rats that he had so carefully stored in a box under his dresser for a moment such as this. Nny smiled and sat back as the screams crechendoed and watched the clock hand move again to read 12:01. Then there was the sound of a small explosion and the smell of smoke.

'A time bomb?!' Mr. Eff squealed, delighted in Nny's handiwork.

"Yup…once one of the gifts was opened, the time bomb was activated to go off at 12:01. If they hadn't been so greedy, then they would've lived…for now at least…" he smiled to himself again, getting up to go clean the mess up. Softly whistling a tune to himself, "Happy birthday to me…"

-x-

(A/N: one of the tens of thousands of plotbunnies that have bred inside my noggin. I really need to stave off the thinking with some good-ol'-fashioned TV but my 'rents are stupid so - no TV for the bunnies-for-brains 'Sandria…Pretty soon they'll breed beyond control and my head will pop. For all of you that live in the Atlanta area, if you hear a loud 'BANG' in the middle of the night…that was me and my rabbit-filled cranium. R&R or Nny will invite you to his next random birthday party! Ta~)


End file.
